I honestly think both parents are at fault. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. Thanks temp! His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. Then my partner came along. He would watch Full House or something with us. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. Just saying, theyre definitely still popular. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. Thinks hes hilarious). Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. he wants to teach her to drive. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is?
How to Cope When Your Spouse Is Driving You Crazy And he doesnt have to hide that. findingtheearth Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. I think she may have deactivated. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. So how did she find out about it? In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. We garden and cook together, and sometimes share favorite TV shows. honeybeenicki I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. YES! It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. Really not sure why I waited so long. Here are 16 ways husbands can unintentionally push their daughters away: It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship between your husband and your daughter, but there are a few things you can do to help. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? I got a very different vibe from this. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Ill go hiking with you, and I promise to go with an open mind and not complain about it. Definitely. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. My mom is super-duper awesome. Or even more fun than you would. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. But I agree with everything else you said. Great suggestion! If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. You just have to learn to ignore that. Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. I agree with Wendy here. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. | Here are some signs that your father had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. honeybeenicki And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. Im peace-ing out. Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. Find a common ground youve got to. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? The comments seem to be about split on this issue. But for practical advice: board games. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. Others see him as a bully and a hole. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? Roll your eyes!?! Seriously? But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? YUCK. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? lets_be_honest Nope, not from Scranton. I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. Are you on Tumblr? I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? BtVS not mature and intelligent? Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. FUCK BOARD GAMES. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. Dream! Losing the . He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. About Us . July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. Settlers of Catan! I assumed it was more than just playful eye rolling because of the added detail about disparaging remarks. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. Is there crap out there? To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Addie Pray , so i guess it cuts both ways. Shes all the better for it. I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). I love it. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. He's always putting him down. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. I simply didnt get it.) This is NO accident. Awesome. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child..
Taking the Keys Away: What to Do If a Senior Won't Stop Driving - AgingCare Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. He is clearly not getting the message. As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. Skyblossom And, as I am sure you know from previous experience, exploding doesn't make anything better. Nip . My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. Good luck! Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. This is a throw away account. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). Plus, I like Rick Castle. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. She gets too invested in her daughters life. But how are they supposed to co-parent and guide this young girl into being a productive young woman if the LW is only addressing her own behavior and attitudes? My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02.
23 Signs Your Partner Is Mentally Abusive - Bustle Exactly Lily! ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. "I cant win for losing. July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. Also hi BGM. So insightful! By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. No. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house. Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. Cant we at least celebrate that the things listed like Harry Potter probably indicate that the daughter is reading a lot of books not a bad thing , lets_be_honest If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. Anything! But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Tell them in detail what you like about them. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. Her free spirit and spontaneity. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. Our differences are what make people interesting. Cool! painted_lady As a result, she may start to rebel and act out, which can eventually drive her away from her family.
15 Mother-In-Law Behaviors That Deserve a Punch in the Face - Scary Mommy You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. (Kept me sane), Astronomer Ostensibly through her mother. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes? lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? Older and (hopefully) wiser 1. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. Act like one. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. Mommy and daddy present a united front. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. You're surely not alone. haha. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. Your email address will not be published. My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. painted_lady
The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire Entirely too much. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. Oh, This Old House. Continue with Recommended Cookies. I completely agree with you on Buffy. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. What is arguable? Maybe he can break out the old Van Halen or Metallica for her to listen to and you know, maybe she will just really like it. WWS. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science.
Child Custody and Substance Abuse - Verywell Family We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. I still think hes acting out like a child. lets_be_honest I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. Heck no!
But what upset me more is his reaction. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. He liked baseball and trivia and languages and anthropology all stuff I didnt really care about. It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. Hes putting her down. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) So, so not like me. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. 6napkinburger Totally agree on the respect issue. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. HA! If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. . I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. Up to a point.
Dear Therapist: My In-Laws Are Driving Me Nuts - The Atlantic I think this is what the LW needs to communicate to her husband.
Visitation Pick Up/drop off issueEx-husband Moved 45 Minutes Away My Spouse Verbally and Emotionally Abuses Our Children Really so good and so true! Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. My comment obviously wasnt clear. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. I agree with you to some extent. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree.
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