Conflict resolution. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. :D. Naked Business Orgy in Vegas is what Im naming my metal-covers-of-show-tunes band. My husband has been for business conferences. This reminds me of when I studied abroad in London and my mom warned me about people like Jack the Ripper. I'd hate for you to miss out because of the trip! I am actually going there next week. Sometimes I am super jealous because he gets to go to some cool places (Tokyo, London), but I would never try to get him not to go. Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. update: is my future manager a bigoted jerk? Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship. Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. Is he jealous he cant go with you? He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. A 14 hour road trip is long enough, but it's going to be way longer than that with a 3 month old. So I get the safety concern. At that time, she was eating about every 3-4 hours. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. Asking for baseline respect should not be a fraught conversation. Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. My husband would answer that question with Only if its inside. On every occasion, he made rules like I could never go anywhere alone and I had to call him at a specific time every day. Its like I encouraged a learned behavior. There is plenty to do in Las Vegas that has nothing to do with sin and can be done in any big city (restaurants, shopping, going to theater, etc.). Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. I really hate the bad rap Vegas gets. He is just jealous that he cant get off work and go with me! If this were my husband, Id point out that Im statistically more likely to be murdered by him than by a stranger, therefore its probably safer to be in Vegas than at home. OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. Maybe his friends dont work either and are supported by their wives. And voila- you're on the coast! My partner has some anxiety when I travel to remote, rural areas by car, especially when I am alone. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) Its a lot less horrendous than deglove, whats the issue? He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. He can express an opinion at most. I deal with these irrational fears with a sort of ritual where I always leave people I love on a positive note and let them know how much I love them, since the thought is always running through my head that I may never see them again. Theres other stuff to when she was in Vegas last she dressed differently and the way she talked to me. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. going together would send the message that its an us issue. So, hell have to ban the East Coast, too. You won't have to look over, sideways, and under to find out when new Magic Key sales will be open again. It was a realllllly boring upbringing. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. Of course, it also relates to what the right wing media say, and its super-hard to tackle. I go on frequent trips completely by myself, or with girlfriends, and he is not at all jealous/controlling (he doesnt love travel like I do which is why hes not going with, suits us fine). I LOVE it when my wife travels. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! Her explanation was that she knew that the sun set around 4:15ish at that time of year and it was dark outside, therefore I should be inside. Well there it is. My partner finds it funny that I get excited to go to Vegas for work and roll my eyes when it is a friend/social trip because he knows me so well. People women, even! The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. I just caught that you were the main provider in your home. If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. I agree with you on the personal deal-breakers, but thats not the discourse thats going on here at the moment. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. Maybe its the way he framed it to his friends, or maybe he wasnt being completely honest about that. Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. Might need to go back. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Maybe you can rest your husbands anxiety by telling him youll be too busy. Very true, which is why I separated the two as control/abuse; theyre not necessarily part of the same package. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. But the husband is the asshole how dare he worry about his wife, Absolutely get counseling. (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. Pressuring/guilting him into not going? Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). Therapy, now, for both of you so that you can discuss this issue, and potentially solo therapy for him to address his issues. Your husband also seems really unduly anxious about Las Vegas. Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. Just that it could be either one. I made this comment on the most recent one of those! At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. Exactly. This. Youve talked about what your husband thinks of the trip, and what you reckon the impact of going and not going would be on your career. Youre not asking for permissionyoure telling him this is what youve decided. I wanted to get tickets for a show, but it was sold out. It does sound like some type of anxiety as these worries are extreme. But truly, its a secondary concern here.
How to convince your partner, husband or wife to travel with you Ifso, then wewould say that your husband has some personal issues that need toberesolved before hecan fully open and welcome you asapart ofhis family. Im sorry, Im not trying to be a jerk, but if you dont think theres anything unwholesome about prostitution (direct quote) I think you may be a cultural outlier. And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. But it wont be easy. And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. Unless, its a SERIOUSLY homogeneous group, whichis possibleunfortunately. If it's something you really want to do, then I'm sure you can make it work, but it won't be easy. We were in that stage of "dating" where we wanted to do everything together, only he didn't fly and didn't really enjoy travel. Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. Maybe he is just a lazy dude who wants to keep his cash cow working and under his thumb?? If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. Its a very highly policed city. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. Excuse me? I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. Did I stand out? I bet youll have fun. I agree. Besides, the OP is going to spend most of her time in a conference room that looks like every other conference room in the western world, anyway. Right. So I do think theres a chance this is just a Vegas thing. I dont gamble but I love New Orleans it feels like an adults only carnival. Choosing your career over your marriage is only possible when your husband turns a normal business situation into an ultimatum. Right? Its fine. This gives me hope that one day Ill have that too! I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. Who was the genius with the idea to build a tourist trap in a desert? Your husband seems to think he has a say in whether he lets you go. You and a therapist will be able to figure that out and take next steps. Honestly, corporate meetings in Vegas are not the sexfests people think they are. Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. my brain had done, we laughed), but absolutely had that reaction. My own brain is like that. We would stop when we needed gas or a bathroom break but usually wouldn't be stopped for more than 15 min or so. Also it can help having an objective outsider there. of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. That option smacks of trying to make OP appease her husband and HIS issues and that is icky. The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. Heck, immediately post break-up I think its normal for friends to say Yeah, you were right, and they were in the wrong, and youre a heck of a catch and I bet theyre really sorry. Regardless of their private feelings about the truth of those things. Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. And hiking! No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? Alisons advice suggesting marriage counseling is good. Sometimes, when a spouse accuses you of cheating out of thin air, its because they themselves are cheating, and now they see it everywhere else as a coping mechanism for justifying their own behavior. Please select a reason for escalating this post to the WTE moderators: Connect with our community members by starting a discussion. Has the OPs spouse ever even BEEN to Vegas? Everyones mileage will vary of course, but thats the choice I made. This is a pretty classic controlling partner move. Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. Disordered anxiety changes shape to fit inside whatever container is available, which might be infidelity or kidnapping or alien abduction. Also, in some (not all) work situations, it would be quite weird and out of step for someone to bring their spouse along. My husband got sent there on a business trip as well. And there does seem to be a fair amount of misbehavior discussed, but I have never seen any of it. If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. My husband and I sat way in the back and giggled through the whole show. If you stay around the main touristy areas especially on the Strip there is security EVERYWHERE. Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. I really wish people would take the time to think beyond their first assumption in issues like this. One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. Two birds one stone! Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. I might include a warning when I announce the event though thats like, even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism or whatever. You can have a couple days where youre focused on other things! Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. She would step into the hallway during the conference and ask what he wanted, and he would say he wanted to make sure she was where she was supposed to be. Either hes being very careful who he asks so that hes only asking people who would agree with him, or hes converting noncommittal answers (e.g., Yeah, I can see that youre upset) into See? Is he OK generally and just bad about work trips? Vegas is one of the cheapest options with the best meeting facilities. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. Even if I didnt hear from him or vice verse, we are adults. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. Okay, I've been chewing on this for a few weeks. While she comes back with great stories of what she saw people doing, shes never felt in danger or anything like that. its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! The whole city is like a giant theme park for adults. Your husband has some very abnormal thoughts and I cant any scenario where you not going to Vegas has any bearing on the kind of warped thinking going on in his brain. Your feigned hysteria of all caps and multiple exclamation points comes across like a rude caricature of people you disagree with. OP, go on your trip, focus on what youre there to do, and for those couple days at least, dont worry about how your husband is feeling about it. I would probably choose being single over him. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. OP can call out her husband by offering to buy a $1MM (or whatever number) life insurance policy for the duration of the vegas trip. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. fractured ending scene; harold bornstein obituary cause of death; can you play volleyball with a torn acl; gambar teguh sugianto. It is a diverse and lively neighborhood with fantastic food choices and interesting shops. But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. Ehhh, I actually dont see so much wrong with friends weighing in on aspects of ones relationship when a friend comes to me and says, This is something thats happening in my relationship, would you call that problematic? I definitely dont say, Its none of my business! I give them my read of the situation, just as they do for me. Food! Yeah, this seems so over the top Im having trouble thinking its just about relationship issues. No, its not, but again Im not just speaking out of my ass here; I have seen similar anxiety issues firsthand. I ALWAYS wonder in these cases if the guy actually did do this, or is just saying that he did to bolster his own stance. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. Its just easier to non-committally agree with someone, especially when their view is bananas, than to get into a row with them and get involved in their marital issues. That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. I think that marriage counseling is the right way to go. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. Do I refuse to go to save my marriage or go on the trip and try to keep good stance in my company? So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. So yeah somethings just not right. On the other hand, the OP could surely use some help in setting some reasonable boundaries and communicating as effectively as possible in the circumstances. He cant expect his partner to sacrifice herself to the whims of his anxiety. I highly doubt these people genuinely agree with him, but are more likely playing the supportive friend role. When she would call back, he would accuse her of having left the office to sleep with someone else. Unless youre her son. In my experience, OP, the best thing you can do to convince him counseling is the answer is to focus on YOU when youre talking to him. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. But he is controlling. The place smells like cigarette smoke. Does hehave ahistory ofnot wanting toshare parts ofhis life with others? Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. Go on the trip, do not jeopardize that job, youll need it when you come to your senses and get rid of this guy. I have a 3 yr old, almost 2 yr old, and 2 month old. Sometimes, friends are there after husbands are gone. Vegas has a convenient airport, massive conference facilities, and tons of hotels that cater to business travelers. Theres a limit to how much they can make if they limit themselves to those who want risqu and sleavy. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? This is not helpful to the conversation, but seeing posts like this always remind me of a relationship I got out of many years ago (just 3 months before our wedding date!) ), but she saw danger everywhere. Yes. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. Ding ding ding! Since frankly the marriage is not healthy do not risk your career, which you need, for him. Either hes got anxiety driving him to act out this way, which can be addressed with talk therapy to learn new coping mechanisms (also, medication is an excellent tool that could help) or, he feels threatened by your success in business and is seeking to sabotage you to keep you in your place. Divorce is a valid option, if you choose to go down that road. Fun for a night or two a year, too much otherwise. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. I really hope it does lead to the OP getting help. If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know. I said this above, but I read this phrase as his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. Never! Im going to start with a description, because people often ignore this anxiety is a horrible physical and mental state to be in. And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S. Finally, I can think of far better places to hold business meetings like Atlanta you have to change planes here anyway, so why not?? And actually, trips apart are GOOD for our relationship, we miss each other like crazy after the first two days and it strengthens our bonds (and snuggles) when were reunited. Is it indulging in a pleasurable vice? Often to far away and less-than-ideal places, safety-wise, sometimes for 2+ weeks at a time, and pretty frequently alone. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. Im so glad I made that choice. Im just going to drop in some ideas and some strategies that have worked for me. And not his fault, it was mine!
My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family Theres like 1 hour of down time. Dont try to rationally argue with him; much like a toddler, he isnt thinking rationally and it will get you nowhere. It was, instead, his own insecurity and abusive tendencies. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. That leads me to believe his concerns are less altruistic. Exactly this. Thats a bright, flashing red sign. He wouldnt try and prevent me from going on one of those trips because it is work, but he used to fret quite a bit and if I didnt text when he expected (or didnt have phone service) he would panic (as in call highway patrol level panic). OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. If your partner has been in therapy for years and isnt making progress, its very possible that their therapist doesnt have the full picture. I think that couples counseling is the best place to start, no matter what the underlying problem is, because its a relationship problem that hes laying on her.
Canary Breeders Association,
Articles H